Why I am Joining Goldman Sachs

I have become aware of an opening as the Executive Director within your firm. Allow me to express my interest in this, or any other, position.

If you’re not a liberal by 20 you have no heart, if you’re not a conservative by 24 you must’ve landed a job dispute having a liberal arts degree. Since graduating from college, and after three unpaid internships and two chained-to-a-desk office jobs, I believe I have been in the real world long enough to understand the trajectory of our culture. I can honestly say that the world is toxic and destructive and I want my slice of the pie, dammit! 

To put in the simplest terms, I want to be rich. This is where you come in. You guys make a lot of money and I would like to make a lot of money thus I should be the new Executive Director. Don’t worry, any sort of humanitarian values, liberal ideals, or good old fashion conscience have been dropped and replaced with a cold desire to be filthy, stinkin’ rich! You ask for it, I do it, I get money, everything is gravy!

See those vultures eating that juicy and delicious carcass up there? That vulture flying away is me! Going off to get more fresh dead carcasses for Goldman Sachs. All I ask in return is for some of that succulent meat of newly-homeless elderly and foreclosed-upon families.

I know I have some strikes against me. I don’t know anything about financial institutions, I went to a state school and I’m not qualified. But hear me out. I can be an absolute psychopath if the price is right! I’m talking crazy shit! I’ll do shit so cray you would swear to your own mother I’d have to either be a CEO or a megalomaniacal, Middle-Eastern dictator.

I can execute the “three ways to become a leader” as listed in the op-ed “Why I Am Leaving Goldman-Sachs”: 1.) Execute on the firm’s “axes” (sure, sounds easy enough!) 2. Hunt elephants (Fuck yeah! Hunting elephants just like rich guys! What Would Romney Do, amirite?!) and 3. Whatever number 3 was. Goldman Guys, I don’t have a lot of talent, skill or time but I’ve got what counts- an American citizenship and a dream! Together, I believe, that spells “the American Dream” (not to be confused with the 1950’s comic book superhero.)

I have it in me to be a terrible person for money, I just know it! All I need is one chance, like in that hit show “Smash” or it’s predecessor “Burlesque”. I can’t tell you how many times I watched “Silence of the lambs” and thought, outside of the swastika bed-sheets, I could totally do that! I don’t even know if you guys do any Buffalo Bill type shit, but if you do - I can do it, with you, for money, is all I’m saying.

With your genius foresight and ability to foster the next generation of filthy rich, straight, white-men, perhaps I can wake up tomorrow and proudly say, “Today is my first day at Goldman Sachs”. Then that Friday I’ll look at my bank account and it will all be worth it. Every crying child and every evicted occupier will all be worth it when I see those 5 (or more!) digits on the ATM screen.

I’m serious. If you need someone to shred papers or drive the car to get rid of some bodies, I’m your man. I’ve seen a lot of movies so I’m fairly familiar and severely desensitized. You call me, we negotiate an offer (I’ll take most amounts!) then we do business together. Also, I’d prefer to be paid in gold bricks.

Joel Straley is resigning today as an Office Administrator to join Goldman Sachs. He can easily identify Europe, the Middle East and Africa on a map if needed.

Jobs, Oil, and Politics, as Usual

My friend Nic Vogele recently shook hands with President Obama as he made his way to Cincinnati to promote his new Jobs bill. He recorded the speech and posted it on his blog: nlvogs.wordpress.com

Below is what Nic originally posted. He made the mistake of asking my opinion. Here is our conversation about the current Jobs crisis and it’s wider implications:

Nic: All I can say is, re-energized. Time for movement. Time for progress. To all my fellow veterans, listen to what is said at [7:15], please listen and tell me President Obama doesn’t care about you. I feel ready for voting season after this speech. I am not saying my vote is sold, set, or cast, but I am ready. Optimistic, and ready.

Joel: I certainly hope that this bill makes it easier for veterans to get jobs when they return. Are you still in the Marines? and where have you been stationed?

The thing about President Obama is that he is a great speaker and excellent at running for president and seems to be going back into campaign mode in the way he is pushing this bill. One thing is that this bill might not be enough. Obama is too ready to compromise with republicans who literally would rather destroy the country than ever make him look good. The thing about that is the base that the republicans (John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell in particular) are trying to appeal to is not only dwindling, it’s been split into two because of the tea party. Obama needs to play hardball with these guys. For one they keep talking about what “they were sent to Washington to do” and have done nothing but appose bills and rarely push their own plan. I assume they think this will make it look like Obama is failing and they’re not to blame (but they have to know their approval is 12%) and so they can tell the Tea Party they tried to stop Obama from his socialist government spending (I don’t think Obama’s spending is ‘socialism’, I just think that the it’s the type of language that the Tea Party uses and responds to)

President Obama hasn’t been confident in demanding the respect he deserves. He needs to come at them hard with bills that will have drastic impacts and then know that the republicans will water them down when they try to pass it (This way he insures much of his plan actually gets passed). When FDR was president he constantly demanded a 100% tax on Americans making more than $350,000- he was largely playing politics because he knew in the end he would still get a large tax increase on the wealthiest citizens that helped create the revenue to end the Great Depression.

If they focus not just on infrastructure jobs but also on jobs that help the environment he could be getting two birds with one stone. One of the first things he caved on during the Debt Ceiling spending cuts was the billions needed for the High Speed rail. I think that was a huge mistake for the amount of money saved and the amount of carbons emissions reduced in the long run. Of course the Republicans see that spending as superficial and easy to cut. I honestly feel that they don’t even believe their own rhetoric about how bad the country is doing and feel like until they see someone on the street begging for change in their gated neighborhood they don’t believe it. There was a senator from Kentucky who stayed late to filibuster an unemployed benefits extension bill that was set to expire and said that he was so sad – that he was missing his local college basketball game on TV.

My point is Obama needs push them against the wall. Fuck class warfare claims and tax the shit out of the rich- repeal the Bush tax cuts (that he shouldn’t have extended anyway) and force them to actually explain why they only plan they have is tax cuts for the rich. Which as you can see they can’t do: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-september-21-2011/exclusive—mitch-daniels-extended-interview-pt–1 To be fair they act like they don’t live in an America that respects them when in fact we have been doing things their way since Reagan and the fallacy’s of trickle-down-economics is what has gotten us here.

Ultimately the real problem with the Jobs bill, tax cuts and all other solutions is that they don’t take into account how fast the world is changing and the opportunities that come with that. This debate has almost no historical context what so ever. The real problem is that the developed world suffered during the industrial revolution (in terms of health, overworked, child labor and new tests of our morality, etc.) as we moved from an agricultural society to an industrial one. Our industrial society now only survives on the backs of people who’s living standards are incredibly below most Americans comfort level. That’s basically the bottom line. That’s where things like Michelle Bachman’s claim to lower the minimum wage come in. If we really want jobs and want to compete we have to have a small plutocracy and a large base of overworked poor people. With this Americans have to answer do we want just any jobs or do we want jobs that fit into the American way of life?

The answer to this is that America moves from an Industrial society to a service based society. The internet, just like the factory and the assembly line, has forced society to rethink how commerce can be exchanged. At first we could only sell what food and essential products that the demand could consume then we could mass manufacture products for leisure and now we can exchange information, ideas and experience. There is an irony that society suffers such hardships every time this transition occurs since essentially every transition makes it easier for average people to earn money. Every transition usually leads to a system that makes virtually every member of society wealthier. Here is a great article on this: http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/09/07/rushkoff.jobs.obsolete/index.html?iref=allsearch

So basically I think these back and forth’s over jobs and government spending tend to sound more like the insights of beginning economics students and not educated men who are guiding one of the powerful countries in the world through one of the most important times in history.

Sorry this was book. You should have known not to ask me about politics but I’m glad you did. It’s been a long since our late night, beer-fueled dorm debates and I look forward to hear what you think and what you thought of Obama’s speech that you saw.

Nic: Joel, thanks for the book, I quite thoroughly enjoyed it. I have to say I agree with your stand in what you have written here. I have submerged myself quite heavily into the sciences since my BG days; and in turn have found a wealth of understanding in the environmental threat that is upon us. I just saw congress blow up the twitter box about the Passing of the TRAIN Act ,which pushes the imposed restrictions of air pollution from power plants, back another 2 years. We are in a mess, and much of my research has shown that any shift in policy is too late to slow the change in global climate. This is our future, so now is the time to prepare for what we have imposed on ourselves. I read a book called The Empty Tank about peak oil and global dependence on fossil fuels. Pretty much, as you likely are aware, we are on, past or about to hit the topping point of oil production. The bullshit babble of us having oil for another 150 years is indeed true. What you dont hear is that the process of extracting will yield less product, at higher costs. If oil companies are even able to stay afloat at such minimal profit margins, you can bet your ass that petro costs will soar. I put it like this… It’s kinda like having a big cup of Dr. Pepper at the movies. Once you sit down and get comfy, you start slurping down that soda. Until about half way through the movie all is gravy. But because those theater chairs are so nice and the movie is just getting good, nobody in the group wants to go get the free refill (concession sales count on this). After bugging the folks all around you, suckin away at the ice melt like a mad man, the last piece of crunches away. Fortunately for Dr. Pepper fans… the movie comes to an end. Unfortunately for us… we have to keep this shit rolling (or so I hope… sometimes.) I have a ton more to chat about, but I just don’t have the time right now.

Joel: I think that analogy to Dr. Pepper is true – if you also remember that even the concession stand has less “Dr. Pepper” than would fill up your one cup. And also that “Dr. Pepper” is needed to maintain everything from the refrigerator, the wood paneling of the theatre, the slacks you’re wearing, the boots you’re wearing, the cell phone in your pocket, the toilet seats, the plastic wood paneling and the upholstery of the seat you’re in, the trash bag that will collect the empty cup and the lid, straw, plastic container and even the painted on logo of that cup of “Dr. Pepper”…or Oil. I guess that’s what happens when you build a global economy and lifestyle on an non-renewable resource and it runs out.