RockStarJobs: Scott Stapp

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Oh, man, am I looking into a mirror right now? Sometimes the lord gives you signs and you can feel something is right. First off, I’m a bonafide Rockstar Celeb and second that guy looks just like me! Third, I’m low on work and a Paid Internship would really be a blessing right now.

If you don’t believe I’m a real Rockstar Celeb, well, does the name Scott Stapp ring a bell?! Scott Stapp of CREED?! CREED from the 90s?!

Yeah, I am kind of like if Kurt Cobain and Jesus Christ had a child but one of them was a woman so that it wouldn’t be an abomination in the eyes of God and also so it would be biologically possible.

Creed were the second biggest thing to Jesus with the kids back in 1997-2001. And just like the big man our success brought together two millenniums.

In a lot of ways I’m like Kurt Cobain if he’d never killed himself (may he rest in hell receiving the punishment he deserves) in that I am a huge Rockstar Celeb.

I know what you’re thinking. So you’re Scott Stapp, one of the greatest rock stars to ever grace the stage and you’ve toured God’s Green America and even to Japan once, who cares? Well, first off, you care, my friend. You said you wanted a big Rockstar Celeb for your blog and now you got one so don’t throw your baggage on me. How many Creed CDs you got sitting in your car right now? 2 is what I would guess!

My second qualification (or sign from GOD that I was MEANT to take this internship) is that I LOOK JUST LIKE THE GUY IN YOUR PHOTO! If this was the post office I’d go up and turn myself in like ‘yeah that’s me. lock me up’. I’m sitting here in tighty-whiteys on a moss covered rock watching my abs glisten right now!

It’s like that old poem Footsteps. Sometimes you think you’re all alone walking on the beach outside your mansion but no…that’s just God carrying you with his even bigger muscles to the freedom of a paid internship.

If I don’t get a reply I’m gonna come to the office on Monday oiled and sweaty in my tighty-whiteys so you can see what a mistake you made!!

Forever in Christ and Creed (the band),

SS!

(originally posted on RockstarJobs.tumblr.com)

Max Azulay and Alex Mullen of the comedy duo, “Take Care, Brush Your Hair” stop by!

Naturally we talk about a Ninja Themed restaurant, the murders of Lobster Boy and their web series, “Passive Aggressive Friends Talking About Their Ambitions!”

RockStarJobs: Liam Gallagher

Rockstar manager, eh? Well fuckedoo if you slaggas ain’t just got an email from the biggest fucking rockstar of 1995, motherfucking Liam Gallagher of fucking Oasis. Maybe ya heard of us- OH YEAH OF COURSE U HAVE BECAUSE WE WERE THE FUCKIN BEATLES (YEAH THOSE BEATLES) OF THE FUCKING 1990s!

When you’re done gawking and taking screencaptures of this email I”ll take ya fucking job. I mean I’m a rockstar and I managed to handle that pretty well so I gues im ya new bloody fucking Rockstar manager.

‘Says here ya want someone responsible. Well hows a bout being fuckin resposible for ‘Champagne fuckin supernova!” or the entire bloody fucking “DEFINITELY MAYBE” album, minus the songwrittin and guitar and bass and drum parts!! IS THAT FUCKING RESPOONCIBLE ENOUGH FOR U CUNTS!!!

I dont need this fucking job and i dont need ya fuckin bullshit and if i show up late, drunk and with two cigarettes in each hand that’s my fuckin pergoragtive now, innit?

Things id like bout be a fucking SLAVE for you cunts: Paid training, Paid Holidays, Pade Vacation, Meal comps, Medical/dental. Things i don much care for is all this fuckin resturante work talk! Ya want a fuckin rockstar manager or do you wanna fuckin idiot busboy who coulldnt’ write ‘Wonderwall’ to save his fuckin life? d’ya no what I mean/?   

Resume: HOWS BEIN IN FUCKIN OASIS FOR A RESUME?

References: hows bout 90 MILLION screamin stupidd fans?

Cover letter; fuck’s all this been, uh??

A job? fuckit what I need’s a nap!!! My rools’ always been: If I still wan it when im sober then it must be love. So im a sleep off this buzz. I know im the only fuckin rockstar applyin for this job so when i wake up on monday ill stop by,

fuck off,

LG

(originally posted on RockstarJobs.tumblr.com)

RockStarJobs: Steven Tyler

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Hello Hello,

I’m that **Rock Star** Summer Camp Counselor you’ve been looking for! I’m Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. I’ve been known to be good with kids, whether it’s adopting a 16-year old girl so we can live together and do drugs for three years or providing a voice in the upcoming animated film EPIC.

Needless to say I’ve got a lot of crazy stories to share around the campfire. Some funny, some scary. Like the time J.Lo, Randy and I pissed in the soda machine on American Idol. Man, you shoulda seen them dumbass kids slurping up that piss-laced Coca-Cola. Every time they’d come in to sing they’d be taking sip after sip to keep their thirst quenched and we’d laugh and laugh. Oh man, good times. I’m sure the kids at camp would love to hear more tales like that from a bonafide Rock Star counselor.

Also I’m kind of a cool real life cartoon character for the kids. I’m known for my flair and am always wearing half a kimono, 13 necklaces and a bird’s nest in my hair.

Gotta let you know I do have Hepatitis C but from my experience kids don’t judge you about a thing like that the way adults do. Kids are special like that, ya know? I feel like I could really excel at this and help these kids get on the right track. Tell them things like how when I was there age I was skipping school and taking shots of Jack Daniels every morning for breakfast. And now look at me: I’ve played two Woodstocks, wrote that song from Armageddon, hosted American Idol, had an album with a pierced udder on it, was on The Simpsons- bet those little shits would love to be on The Simpsons- well, ain’t ever gonna happen unless you start dreaming!

Drinking to drink ain’t it, pal! You gotta drink to dream. That’s how this demon of screamin’ did it! That’s a lesson we can all learn. So from the better half of the Toxic Twins (but dont worry im clean now) I’ll see you on Monday! NOW LET ME AT THEM KIDS!

EPIC is in Theatres May 24th!,                                                                     

Steven T.

(originally posted on RockstarJobs.tumblr.com)

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Enjoy my musics! (Apparently they ran out of bandwidth: go to Myspace.com/DreamDrunkNY or Soundcloud.com/DreamDrunk to listen to “ACIDZ” and other jams!)