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Mar 12

RockStarJobs: Thom Yorke


dear capitalist restaurant,

im a creep. im a loser. what the hell am i doing applying to kimchi grill?

well, i am not in need of your shit $$$ i’ll tell you that much. 

frankly i just need something to keep me from spending all day reading about fracking, climate change, massive sea-life extinction, chemical leakage from plastic bottles used by children, rise of bi-polar among household pets, a ball of cigarette butts forming outside my window, the barrage of buzzfeed quizzes posted on my facebook feed, etc. etc. 

i’m not interested in any take-over-the-world / kimchi-grill-in-every-home globalized bullshit so if i ever feel the company is getting a little too big for its britches ill quit. 

also i support fair trade so if i’m delivering a tofu edamame falafel and the bloke at the door gives me a broken drum machine I’m inclined to take it as payment because thats a fair trade to me.

now whats all this of “a free meal daily”? oh, wow, every day? how fuckin generous of you! /sarc. feel free to give my meal to a starving child - oh, but what about the other 20 million starving kids in the country? i guess we tell them ‘better luck  tomorr’w! kimchi grill’s gotta meet this quarters profit projections, right! and dont think of eatin leftovers from the garbage cause they make us pour bleach on it, the heartless cunts!” 

and i wont be needing your gas stipend so shove that up your arse. 

you see, when i used to drive, as a younger, read: naive, man i would catch myself staring unblinkingly into the steering wheel for hours at a time. ’hello airbag!’ i’d say. ’care to smash my face into a million pieces today?’ ‘care to thrust my nose into the back of my skull?”care to have my children be asked ‘whos that hideous man with the plastic airbag dangling from his mashed face?’ by other children and they have to reply ‘oh thats just my dad’ and the other child will say ‘why?’ and my child will say ‘because not enough innocent cunts had their fuckin faces smashed in to justify changing the airbag feature because the auto industry is run by greedy fuckin pigs!’ and the other child will say ‘oh’ and my child will say ‘so now my dad looks like the elephant man trying to eat a tire’

suffice it to say, i ride a bike now.

anyway i accept this position at your bullshit grill but i will need the next three days off due to existential fatigue. this happens every week or so.

also im in england. hope thats not a problem. 


thom yorke

(originally posted on

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Jan 23

I’m Seeing A Man - And My Wife is Cool With it.

I have a confession to make. I’m seeing a man even though I’m married…to a woman…who is my wife….and she is cool with me seeing this man.
He’s an incredible guy. He’s beautiful, strong, caring, smart and deeply religious. We take long walks on the beach. When I get too tired he carries me. He holds my hand. My heart grows when I feel his touch. 
He’s what I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I look forward to sunday mornings when I close my eyes, open my mouth and taste the saltiness of his body. 
Did I mention my wife is cool with it? 
A few months ago my wife came home from work early. I was in our bedroom having a deep moment with my special guy. Imagine my surprise when she opened the door and there I was on my knees as he stood above me. My face bathed in white. The white light of the glory of Jesus Christ.
I was afraid she would be mad. But she wasn’t. She was cool with it. Without saying a word she came up beside me and got on her knees. There in our bedroom we both double teamed the man of my life. Each one taking an ear and expressing ourselves in ways we didn’t know possible. Our hands gripped together as we felt an explosion. We felt his warmth come over our bodies.
We both laid there feeling a revitalization in our marriage. We owe it all to my— our— special guy, Jesus Christ. That night we went out to a special dinner and laughed together like we did when we first started dating. When we got back we became intimate and had missionary intercourse. As my body began to tingle and I felt like I was going to burst I looked up over the headboard of our bed. The man of my dreams was gripping his sturdy crucifix of wood and watching me, smiling, with flowing brown hair, winking blue eyes, six pack abs. I couldn’t stop myself from succumbing to his glory. 
 It was a night I’ll never forget. So remember, just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t have a crush on a man.
I love my wife. But not as much as I love Jesus.