ROCK STAR JOBS: Dear woman,I am writing to inquire about the Retail Rockstar position... -
Dear woman,
I am writing to inquire about the Retail Rockstar position in Cosmetics and Make-up. For several decades I mastered the use of cosmetics and make-up in live performances and televised appearances with my rock group, KISS. I became especially good at using make-up to create the…
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Since the shooting at Sandy Hook, most Americans have been re-examining their position on gun control. A lot of you have been standing firmer than ever on the issue. Even though the polls seem to be turning against you, and your points seem to be harder and harder to justify, you keep grasping hard to your position. And it doesn’t look like it’s going away — though it might, as these things tend to do. But unfortunately there is a trend happening, and in a few months another tragedy will occur that will be so historically significant it will bring this issue back into the political limelight. You know it, I know it, and that’s probably why we should have a serious discussion about it.
Let’s get the craziest claims out of the way. I know some of you have been pushing the idea that recent gun violence — the Sandy Hook incident in particular — has been staged by the government in an effort to ban guns. Outside of the this website being hilarious in that “what the fuck?” kind of way: http://www.wellaware1.com/fairfield.htm that is not only implausible but also completely offensive. You know who really wishes the kids and teachers at Sandy Hook weren’t killed? Their families. More than you’ll ever know. But do you really think after a hard-won election and right in the middle of a heated fiscal debate facing a deadline someone could just stroll in with a plan to fake the murder of 20 first graders and politicians from both sides would just jump on board? If so, then you have no idea how dysfunctional your government actually is. It’d almost be endearing if it weren’t such a distraction from the actual problem.
The government doesn’t need to fake school shootings to take away your guns. On the contrary, they want you to have guns. It looks a lot better for them to kill you when you have a stocked arsenal in your basement. Keep in mind that Obama uses predator drones and you’re begging to keep an AR-15. Good luck. If the government wants you dead, you’re dead and they don’t have to take away your guns to do it. Look at the amount of assault rifles in Iraq and Afghanistan and tell me how easily they’re keeping the US government out of their lives. You can think you’re fighting for what’s right but you’ll just end up like ex-cop and charred corpse Christopher Dorner and be portrayed by the media as nothing more than another cop killer with a ‘manifesto’ regardless of any of the ideals and values you think you’ll be martyred for.
When does this new American revolution start anyway? So far, all I’ve seen are mostly just shared Facebook images and the occasional guys in suits talking on TV. Look, you have the Second Amendment. You say there is tyranny but you don’t seem to be doing anything about it. And you probably won’t. You know it, I know it, and the government knows it. This revolution didn’t start when President Bush suspended habeas corpus or when Obama approved indefinite detention; it didn’t start when the New York Times exposed our secret prisons in Europe; it didn’t start when a Predator drone killed a 16-year-old American citizen; it didn’t start when Christopher Dorner became the first citizen to be targeted by predator drones inside the US.. Even when you were so angry with mean ol’ fascist Obama earning 51 percent of the vote in a democratic election, the only thing you did was fill out petitions online. Guys, you’re trying to keep the government from taking your guns away and all you can do is send a PDF petition to PresidentObama@whitehouse.gov? No legitimate tyrant was ever overthrown by a petition:
“Excuse me, Mein Fuhrer, a petition came in from all the citizens who disagree with the Nuremberg Laws.”
“Great. Throw it in the fire place because who gives a fuck? I’m Hitler!”
Are you even armed right now? Do you have your AR-15 by your side or in your lap? I’ve had this pro/anti guns debate so many times and in so many places, yet no one I ever talked to was armed. Whether we were in a bar, classroom, office or a home they were all as unarmed as virtually every other individual killed in a mass shooting. If they (or in this case, YOU) were to be involved in a mass shooting, they would be just as defenseless as everyone they claim wouldn’t be dead “if they’d been encouraged to carry a gun!” Also, there’s a word for people who grab guns when someone is aiming a gun at them: shot.
So let’s be honest here, you‘re not even the person you keep yelling that this country needs! This fact alone is indicative of your moral character. You claim that every mass shooting wouldn’t have been as deadly had someone been armed and shot the shooter first. But do you have the type of calm demeanor in takes to assess a chaotic situation that fast and that precise while also looking out for your own safety? If how frustrated you get just talking about guns on the news is any indication, I’d say no. If you were a group of emotionally reserved Buddhist monks making this claim I’d be more likely to give you the benefit of the doubt here.
As it stands, the way you talk about guns and your right to protect your land, family, dick, whatever else, is nothing more than blind hero worship with yourself as the hero — a masturbatory action hero fantasy. In your mind it’ll be just like when you hunt deer with your semi-automatic assault rifle, except now you’re the sheriff saving the town from an angry black man, or a hysterical radical Muslim, or a stone-faced Asian student, or the type of scrawny white kid you called a ‘faggot’ in middle school or anyone else threatening your picture perfect suburban life. You will save the day, stop the horror and be given the fame every American thinks they truly deserve. And all the women will faint at the size of the gun you used.
You’ve been given this chance to be a gun-slinging hero with the precedent breaking “Stand Your Ground” laws. But even this has been severely threatened by the murder of Treyvon Martin. Instead of spending so much time trying to find a reason why George Zimmerman was innocent, you could have argued that Treyvon Martin would still be alive had he been carrying a gun. A position I did not hear from ANY gun rights advocates. The racist profiling showcased by George Zimmerman and his defenders delivered a heavy blow to the support of “Stand Your Ground” laws. Those laws should be the backbone for any gun rights advocate. But they are failing. Against popular public opinion they entered state law all over the country by the cash of the Koch brothers. The “Stand Your Ground” laws are your biggest shot at proving that armed citizens protecting themselves on the streets actually makes us safer. A 17-year-old was killed walking home by an armed gunman because he didn’t look like he ‘belonged in the neighborhood.’ Shouldn’t Treyvon Martin have been carrying a handgun to protect himself? He was innocently walking home when he was accosted by an armed gunman defying the orders of police. Isn’t he then the poster child of a youth who should have had protection? The NRA has been very vocal that all school children should be as protected as the president’s children. Then why not call for protection for the children of the Martin family?
But somehow you knew Treyvon Martin must have been guilty of something. Somehow the kids at Sandy Hook would have been saved had a teacher been hiding an assault rifle under her desk. Somehow the Columbine shooters would have been killed had the lunch ladies been strapped with 9s. But just keep enjoying your fantasies. And your guns. The government wants you to have both and have both well stocked. It’s the best distraction they can get. Because that’s how Fascism works in a globalized capitalist society like America in 2013. Hitler may have taken the guns. Stalin may have taken the guns. Pol-pot, Castro; whoever you want to name. There is one major difference between those dictators and the ones that will strike America: none of those countries had the wealthy gun lobbyists America has. And the American government will let you keep the guns because they know you won’t be using them.
They’re already taking away your rights. They’re watching you right now, as all you do is complain in a bar, or on your computer, or your cellphone, or on just another blog post on some random Tumblr. The fascism of America is a cultural fascism. And they know you won’t be using your militias to stop rising college tuition, unfounded wars or the bridging of business and government. In this economy? Who has the time?
They don’t need ‘FEMA camps’, the prison system is working just fine to hold up those who descent. If things start to get too out of control they’ll just pepper spray a few college kids and hope the image gets so overused no one is surprised when it happens again and again. Bradley Manning sits in a prison cell as you cry for your need to “form an organized militia.”
The government may have set up a task force on guns, but it’s only to try and close small loopholes to appease a large public outcry. The government knows the country is too large for it to ever feel legitimately threatened by an organized and armed citizenry. They have all your information and it’s all they need. You willingly give them the information they want. If you don’t like what they’re doing, you, as an IP Number, can post a complaint on Facebook, feel better, go to sleep, then wake up and go to Wal-Mart and McDonalds and continue to work at a day job you hate just to pay off student loans for a degree you don’t use. That’s the chain of fascism in America today and all the guns in the world won’t help you stop it. I hope now you can let your paranoia rest easy -and just let the government stop the loophole of guns being sold at gun shows to not require background checks or any detailed paperwork. All of the provisions from the government aren’t bringing fascism — it’s already here and you’ve done nothing about it. So please, let us get rid of loopholes that skirt background checks and allow for heavy-duty weapons not used for hunting. Look in the mirror and decide if you’re Clint Eastwood or a citizen who wants to live in a community built on integrity rather than fear. I think you’ll be surprised.
Sincerely,
Everyone else (but specifically, me)
(http://www.nbcnews.com/id/35484383/ns/us_news-life/t/new-law-allows-loaded-guns-national-parks/)
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J. W. Crump: Joel Applies to be my Part-Time Receptionist -
For my company, I recently posted the need for a part-time receptionist. My friend Joel (@joelstraley), recognizing my email address in the ad, responded thusly. It’s the greatest cover letter ever written.
“Hello,I am very desparate for a emoyment! This looks xciting for me to have for moneys! This is a job for moneys, rite? Thank yu! I very much expericne doing work such as writing, carrying things and talking businiss pro with no bad langage or steeet talk. I had no resume ebcause internet cafe near my mother’s hause printer broken, This job wuld be fun time for me thouough. I interne for deli now. I take out trassh when man goes into back, and pet kitty a lot. Sumtimes when no one there i pick up fone BUT onlly when it ring bexuz i am good employey! See! I wor k even hrarder for u! Pleasz call me pr-epayed cell (44) 11(3432)22189-ext (09)
Have Day!
-me”
Uncanny Brett White: Crowdsourcing Best Albums of 2012 -
Whatever energy I devoted to keeping up with music from the years 2000-2007 has been completely transferred over to the comic book portion of my life. I don’t know jack about modern music, and I feel like a ridiculous old man every time I read any websites year-end “best of” lists. None of these…
Frank Ocean, Channel Orange
Lambchop, Mr. M
Killer Mike, R.A.P. Music
Titus Andronicus - Local Busines
Kendrick Lamar - Good Kid, m.A.A.d City
Nas - Life Is GoodTitus was on the outside looking in for me, alas. Still outstanding.
Dean Blunt & Inga Copeland - Black is Beautiful
How to Dress Well - Total Loss
Schoolboy Q - Habits and Contradictions
(and ditto on Frank Ocean, Kendrick Lamar and Killer Mike)
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