I’m Seeing A Man - And My Wife is Cool With it.
I have a confession to make. I’m seeing a man even though I’m married…to a woman…who is my wife….and she is cool with me seeing this man.
He’s an incredible guy. He’s beautiful, strong, caring, smart and deeply religious. We take long walks on the beach. When I get too tired he carries me. He holds my hand. My heart grows when I feel his touch.
He’s what I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I look forward to sunday mornings when I close my eyes, open my mouth and taste the saltiness of his body.
Did I mention my wife is cool with it?
A few months ago my wife came home from work early. I was in our bedroom having a deep moment with my special guy. Imagine my surprise when she opened the door and there I was on my knees as he stood above me. My face bathed in white. The white light of the glory of Jesus Christ.
I was afraid she would be mad. But she wasn’t. She was cool with it. Without saying a word she came up beside me and got on her knees. There in our bedroom we both double teamed the man of my life. Each one taking an ear and expressing ourselves in ways we didn’t know possible. Our hands gripped together as we felt an explosion. We felt his warmth come over our bodies.
We both laid there feeling a revitalization in our marriage. We owe it all to my— our— special guy, Jesus Christ. That night we went out to a special dinner and laughed together like we did when we first started dating. When we got back we became intimate and had missionary intercourse. As my body began to tingle and I felt like I was going to burst I looked up over the headboard of our bed. The man of my dreams was gripping his sturdy crucifix of wood and watching me, smiling, with flowing brown hair, winking blue eyes, six pack abs. I couldn’t stop myself from succumbing to his glory.
It was a night I’ll never forget. So remember, just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t have a crush on a man.
I love my wife. But not as much as I love Jesus.
My name is Eddie Vedder and I am submitting my resume for the Rockstar Counterstaff/Barista position.
How did I go from one of the biggest grunge acts in the world to applying to be a rockstar barista? Well, it’s evolution, baby!
Remember that video? Dude who did Spawn? That was fun and all but as you get older you start to see how fuckin stupid it can be financially to spend all your time fighting for lower ticket prices and giving to charity. That being said I do have restaurant and catering experience.
I’m not one to bad mouth charity. But to us that was our drug. I’d wake up on tour and say “Hey, Jeff (Ament) how are the oceans looking?” And he’d say “Bad news, Eddie, they’re still fucked!” So before noon there we were feeling whoozy with a needle in our arms giving blood to some indonesian kid who can’t get clean drinking water. So I guess you could say I have a proactive nature and leadership abilities.
Frankly I need this gig just so I can prove to myself that I’m still AAALLLIIVVVVEEYYEEAHH!
I promise to not tell YEEAAAHHHHHHH after every good thing that happens. That’s really pissed off some past employers.
I’m a hard worker. For the past 20+ years I’ve worked 1-2 hours a day 3-5 days a week. You add up all the material I’ve created and you got yourself about 12-13 hours of elbow grease. I don’t know what that is in coffee. But I’ll let you in on a secret. Right before our album Vitalogy was about to hit shelves I noticed the cover said “Vitology” and I said “Hey now!” Can you imagine the looks on our fans faces if they brought home Vitolgy when they were expecting Vitalogy? I lost a lot of sleep over that. That’s just one example of the attention to detail I will bring to your West Village restaurant.
Lastly, I was in Pearl Jam. I’m a humble man and I don’t like to brag but if that isn’t enough to make me the Rockstar Counterstaff/Barista at Nourish Kitchen and Table then you’re just being really difficult!
(originally posted on RockstarJobs.tumblr.com)