Listen as we talk to Jonathan A. Sims about his amazing paintings (www.chromadectic.com), moving from the art scene in Texas to New York, watching Jodorowsky movies, and then make him answer all our questions about history after we discover he’s also a history teacher.
If you missed Patrick Waldo's one-man show “Come at Me, Bro” listen to him give us a heart-wrenching retelling of the inspiring story PLUS he gives us his list of the 5 Best Burgers in the city! SPONSORED BY: Sharpie® and Stamps.com
that was all lies. In fact my good friend Patrick Waldo has a great conversation with us about being arrested for being the graffiti artist Mustache Man, separating your friends into groups and getting ripped off for a bagel.
I have a confession to make. I’m seeing a man even though I’m married…to a woman…who is my wife….and she is cool with me seeing this man.
He’s an incredible guy. He’s beautiful, strong, caring, smart and deeply religious. We take long walks on the beach. When I get too tired he carries me. He holds my hand. My heart grows when I feel his touch.
He’s what I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I look forward to sunday mornings when I close my eyes, open my mouth and taste the saltiness of his body.
Did I mention my wife is cool with it?
A few months ago my wife came home from work early. I was in our bedroom having a deep moment with my special guy. Imagine my surprise when she opened the door and there I was on my knees as he stood above me. My face bathed in white. The white light of the glory of Jesus Christ.
I was afraid she would be mad. But she wasn’t. She was cool with it. Without saying a word she came up beside me and got on her knees. There in our bedroom we both double teamed the man of my life. Each one taking an ear and expressing ourselves in ways we didn’t know possible. Our hands gripped together as we felt an explosion. We felt his warmth come over our bodies.
We both laid there feeling a revitalization in our marriage. We owe it all to my— our— special guy, Jesus Christ. That night we went out to a special dinner and laughed together like we did when we first started dating. When we got back we became intimate and had missionary intercourse. As my body began to tingle and I felt like I was going to burst I looked up over the headboard of our bed. The man of my dreams was gripping his sturdy crucifix of wood and watching me, smiling, with flowing brown hair, winking blue eyes, six pack abs. I couldn’t stop myself from succumbing to his glory.
It was a night I’ll never forget. So remember, just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t have a crush on a man.
My name is Eddie Vedder and I am submitting my resume for the Rockstar Counterstaff/Barista position.
How did I go from one of the biggest grunge acts in the world to applying to be a rockstar barista? Well, it’s evolution, baby! Remember that video? Dude who did Spawn? That was fun and all but as you get older you start to see how fuckin stupid it can be financially to spend all your time fighting for lower ticket prices and giving to charity. That being said I do have restaurant and catering experience.
I’m not one to bad mouth charity. But to us that was our drug. I’d wake up on tour and say “Hey, Jeff (Ament) how are the oceans looking?” And he’d say “Bad news, Eddie, they’re still fucked!” So before noon there we were feeling whoozy with a needle in our arms giving blood to some indonesian kid who can’t get clean drinking water. So I guess you could say I have a proactive nature and leadership abilities.
Frankly I need this gig just so I can prove to myself that I’m still AAALLLIIVVVVEEYYEEAHH!
I promise to not tell YEEAAAHHHHHHH after every good thing that happens. That’s really pissed off some past employers.
I’m a hard worker. For the past 20+ years I’ve worked 1-2 hours a day 3-5 days a week. You add up all the material I’ve created and you got yourself about 12-13 hours of elbow grease. I don’t know what that is in coffee. But I’ll let you in on a secret. Right before our album Vitalogy was about to hit shelves I noticed the cover said “Vitology” and I said “Hey now!” Can you imagine the looks on our fans faces if they brought home Vitolgy when they were expecting Vitalogy? I lost a lot of sleep over that. That’s just one example of the attention to detail I will bring to your West Village restaurant.
Lastly, I was in Pearl Jam. I’m a humble man and I don’t like to brag but if that isn’t enough to make me the Rockstar Counterstaff/Barista at Nourish Kitchen and Table then you’re just being really difficult!
It’s time for Beginnings, the podcast where writer and performer Andy Beckerman talks to the comedians, writers, filmmakers and musicians he admires about their earliest creative experiences and the numerous ways in which a creative life can unfold.
On today’s show I talk to LA-based comedian Danny Lobell. Danny is an internationally touring stand-up and storyteller, and for eight years he hosted the first comedy podcast called Comical Radio. Starting in 2004, Danny interviewed some of the top comic minds of our time including George Carlin, Paul Giamatti and Chris Rock. When the show ended in 2012, he started a new show called Modern Day Philosophers, where he learns about the Western canon of philosophy with his comedy guests.
Back in December, Danny came over to my Franklin Village sublet in LA to talk about resenting your siblings, mentally ill parents, familial rifts, being desensitized to violence, painting as a solitary act, an idealized vision of New York, the definition of “tenement”, online trolls, seasonal affective disorder, The Schnoogy Hunters, John Wayne and the Magic Record Player, and converting to Orthodox Judaism. Plus, in the second half of the show, I talk to my friend Joel Straley of the Talk Party podcast about becoming an atheist.
Stand-up, Relationship Guru and Fellow TIckles member Christian Polanco is in the Talk Party hot seat* Chris and JW grill him on his new stand-up special, his relationship podcast Offstage, and what it’s like to the be the kind of guy who can talk to girls.
I was busy eating fried chicken at a wedding in Ohio while this happened so sorry if I sound ‘distant’ in this one.
Katie Kester (@katiemkester), host of the Later Show, joins us to talk about her monthly variety show at the PIT. We talk about how her show implements interactive media with a live streaming feed and Twitter Hashtags.
Listen in as we discuss the influence of Late World with Zach Galifianakis, posting 9/11 conspiracy videos on your Facebook, sitting in on The View and never letting the audience see you sweat!
Obamacare Has Its Share of Problems…Because Obama is Hitler.
By Ralph Wigglesworth
I hate to say I told you so but when it comes to Obamacare; I told you so. Now that the plan is being implemented we are starting to see many of its shortcomings. I knew Obamacare—or the “Affordable Care Act” as it’s officially known—would present problems for hard-working Americans from day one. Which is why I spent so much time telling people “Obamacare is nazi socialism”.
The launch of the Federal health insurance exchange website, Healthcare.gov, has gone so poorly that Kathleen Sebelius has apologized to those Americans trying to sign up for Obamacare. Now I’ve never claimed to be a computer whiz or a Doctor of Health Insurance Policies but I saw this coming a mile away. This is the Death Panel in action. Obama is stealing our lives away 15-30 minutes at a time as we refresh HealthCare.Gov like Jewish slaves in a labor camp. Efrishend Macht Frei.
A poor website is one thing but it also turns out the White House knowingly misled Americans by telling them they would be allowed to keep their current Insurance plan. I’m overcome with sadness when I realize this could have been avoided, if more Americans had paid attention…back when I was forwarding emails of President Obama as a tribal witch doctor.
The innocent days of email forwards are over now. Obamacare has gone through months of open debate, been passed by congress, signed by the president, survived numerous calls for repeal, been upheld by the Supreme Court and seems to be here to stay. In a way, I almost feel silly now for taking a photo holding up a piece of my own poop to Photoshop President Obama’s face on it. But then I remember that win or lose, I was still an American citizen living free and having his voice heard!
It was a glorious time for democracy back when health care reform was first being hashed out. Americans of all stripes, although more white than red or blue, were gathering in town hall meetings ready to yell the truths we’d been given in pamphlets provided by FreedomWorks®. A Congressman would come out to meet his constituents and listen to the unfiltered thoughts of his fellow man. He’d suggest that uninsured children be given health care, and we’d start screaming the pledge of allegiance so close to his face that we were basically spitting on him. The more he wept, the louder we pledged!
It wasn’t just screams, emails, and photoshopped bigotry either—it was also actions. I stood protesting on the steps of the Supreme Court as I awaited their decision on the constitutionality of the Public Mandate. I chanted and sang as I held my side of the banner that read “My My Hey Hey Obamacare, Abortion, Nazi, Gay”
The first four words might have been nonsense but the message was clear. So when I see headlines about the Obamacare website having bugs, or the plan not being perfectly implemented I can’t help but think back with a sense of pride that we were right: Obama is black Hitler and Obamacare will kill us all.
Ralph Wigglesworth was a host of “The Great Debate” radio program from 2006 to 2008. He is the current President of the Americans Against the Communist Plot to Add Flouride to the Public Water Supply and runs the Facebook group “LIKE if you don’t like OBAMA”.
Today we talk to improviser Sean Reidy (@sean_reidy) about his podcast “Saturday Morning Deathgrip” and his webseries “The Managers” which of course leads us to talking about Saturday Morning Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, making art that’s marketable and the phenomenon of Uncanny Valley.
Listen as I name drop Douglas Rushkoff, JW thinks I say “reality TV is our biggest continent” and Chris suggests a cereal called Mad-Men-o’s.
On the timeline of an alternate Universe much like our own, Orson Welles did not die on October 10, 1985, but was in fact born for the first time. After a suburban childhood, Welles left to travel Europe. His father’s death left him an inheritance that allowed him to become another trust fund millennial taking up all the good spots in the hostels.
Once returning to the United States, he made a home in a five-bedroom loft in New York City, technically Bushwick. Europe had given him a love a theatre, so as soon as he could he joined a short-form improv group. They specialized in performing Shakespeare but with celebrity suggestions taken from the audience such as Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Their performances garnered some attention with one night’s version of Macbeth being declared “racist” by several blogs.
Looking to expand his skill-set, Welles recorded an episode for the theatre’s podcast. Welles read an adaptation of H.G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds. The podcast amounted to little more than a few concerned eyebrow-raises among subway riders who downloaded it simply because it was free. However some press was received as iTunes reviews poured in stating, “I thought this was real,” “This should have had a warning,” and “meh.”
Welles decided to use the notoriety to again expand his career. His eyes were now set on the wonders of moving images. He soon released his first Vine, an old man whispering his dying words: “Rosebud.” After receiving three re-Vines Welles, felt this was encouragement to expand the idea to a full-length feature.
Welles gained nearly 75% of his Kickstarter goal, mostly thanks to his mother and the rest of his inheritance. With this he was able to create what would become his magnum opus, Occupy Kane, the story of power and wealth told in a webseries of 47 parts. By the release of part 22, the YouTube views were already teetering around the 10s.
Much to Welles surprise, he had been nominated for an award in the category of Biggest Fail at that years Webbys. The webseries was panned by Splitsider, who claimed it to be “hard to follow” with “poor lighting” and “long takes that test the viewer’s patience.”
Around this time, Welles prolific nature was stifled. He had finished his fifth internship at his improv theatre and was still working full time as an administrative assistant at a start-up that focused on making ordering lunch with a smartphone even easier.
Welles spent his final days drunk and eating frozen peas. In fact, someone really should have been there to film him. It was quite funny and probably would have been the type of thing to really go viral on a site like Reddit.
Welles took his own life on May 6, 2013. His suicide note was a GIF of some old actress shrugging. It might have been Rita Hayworth. I don’t know. I don’t really watch old movies. They’re pretty boring.
One of my best friends who happens to also be a Labor Union Strategist Drew Zimmerman joins the show.
Finally my political rants have purpose! He talks to us about the challenges of fighting for the little guys in a world ran by multinational corporations, playing the PR game and the dangers of wage disparity!
Also the Flintstones and some college stories come up!
Today we’re joined by JW’s Fraternity little brother Ian Ross (@ianr87) who just spent the last two years in Rwanda teaching kids as a part of the Peace Corps. WHAT IS THAT LIKE? YOU DONT KNOW! SO LISTEN!
A meditation leads to a story about me peeing in a waste-basket around 7:45, Chris Teja raps at 23:25 and are doctors prostitutes? They touch your genitals and you pay them to make you feel good, right? ALL THIS AND MORE!!
REFERENCE: (here is an example of YouTube Poop, as discussed):
Brunch rockstar? OMG! Seriously, brunch is my only meal of the day. After the acid kicks in it’s usually like way to crazy to eat. Like one night I tried to eat a pizza and my brain was all “this cheese was once a living pig, Ke$ha! You’re chewing on what was inside the nipples of a baby piglet!”
I spit it out immediately becuz i felt like a cannibal. cuz I once heard that pigs are the closest animal to humans. Anyway thats why I called my first album “Animal” and my second album “Cannibal.” That minute was the most creative time of my entire life.
Anywhoozledoozle *.blaeeeaeasas00o—-sorry, i just puked on myself, which happens from time to time and if this job starst early like before noon-thirty its probably gonna happen a lot. no worries, cuz im smart! I keep a can of glitter in my purse for just such occasions (trade secret: Throw glitter on the puke on your shirt and if someone says ‘whats that smell?’ just go ‘I think i saw a dog eating its puke- their soooo gross’ People usually beleive u. People are all such sheeep. Not everyone can be as creative and taleneted as u Ke$ha! Thanks, Ke$#a. Where was i? Oh yea throw glitter on your puke.)
So if you’re gonna run a brunch you need to get the party started with some jams. Thats where me, yr new Brunch Rockstar, comes in! Ill bring the same karaoke machine i use on tour and will play all my hits from Tik Tok to Blah Blah Blah to Fuck Him He’s a DJ (*seriously those are my real songs - so dont steal them*)
See ya Sunday bitchesss (assuming im nothungover and dont like get high and forget i have job which fuckin always happens!!!_ Blaaeewwseeo/ goddammit,Ke$#a, we’re alsmot out of glitter!
Hi. If you’re looking for a Phone Rockstar well pick up the telephone because I’m on the line. Phone + Rockstar =……? Who? No! Not Lady Gaga! How old are you? Try Blondie! …But contrary to popular belief my name isn’t Blondie. Its Deborah fuckin’ Harry!
So if you want a the only real Phone Rockstar then …(wait for it)…Call me! Call me anytime. Call me day or night. I really want this job and I’ve never been a fan of email and my fax is on the fritz. So call me! (if you’re over 25 the tune should be ringing in your head when you read that).
But why would Blondie wanna work for us? Again, it’s Debbie Harry and, sure, I was an influential pioneer in the punk and new wave scene, sold millions of albums, was inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame but I feel my life has missed the thrill of having 9-5 job using a telephone. You can only sing about something so much before you’re like ‘wow, yeah, I should just be doing that thing.’
Don’t you think the Beatles wouldn’t rather just feel love than sing about it all the time? Or wouldn’t David Bowie prefer to actually just be a man floating in space? And wouldn’t Bob Dylan rather just be a Rolling Stone?
And I, Deborah Harry, just want to answer the telephone! That must sound weird when I, Deborah Harry, refer to myself in the third person but its second nature when you’ve spent most of your life being called Blondie!
I mean, Jesus Christ, when Roger Waters goes to Starbucks I doubt they constantly yell out “Tall Latte for Pink Floyd”!
So if you want your law firm to have the Phone Rockstar as the voice on the end of your line, just call me (that one wasn’t a reference to my song.)
I’ll be hanging on the telephone. …what’s that? Oh, I should probably hang it up so it’ll ring when you call. I guess I would’ve known that if I was actually using a phone more than just singing about it.
Please hire me. Its just using a phone, how hard can it be, most 10 year olds have them for Christs sake!
Michelle Ciotta (@michelleinspace) & Keith Kingbay (@keithkingbay) of Johnny Velvet and the Moonbeams tell us about their NYTVF Comedy Central Short Pilot Competition finalist webseries, Ground Control, the secret to getting no notes in an improv class, and debate Shake Shack VS Schnippers!
It’s ya girl, Miley Ray Cyrus! I was just browsing Craigslist looking for twerking gigs when I saw your ad for a Rockstar cashier. I have no experience as a cashier. But I did play a high schooler who was a secret Rockstar when I was in high school, but then I stopped doing that because it became easier to just be a Rockstar.
As you can see in my new video I try really hard!
You said you want a ‘fun and exciting person to be around’, well, look no further than my new video for my new single “We Can’t Stop” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrUvu1mlWco It’s like Spring Breakers without all the violence and weird feelings. You’ll think it’s cool. Trust me.
I am a very fast learner. That twerking you see in the video (you watched the video, right? THANK YOU! You’re so sweet!) Well, I learned to twerk like that in literally seconds. It finally felt like I was making friends.
I am definitely a take charge type of person. For my new video I spent hours hearting things on tumblr and then sent that to people who I think worked really hard on my new video.
Obviously you can tell I love food because I put a skull made of french fries and a bunch of white bread in my video! (remember that part when someone steps on the skull? SO COOL! Did you like that part? What was your favorite part of my new video? Least favorite? Middle Favorite?
I wanted a video that says HEY Look at ME Im young and Im crazy, you’d think I must have so many friends, she’s doesn’t like neeeeed our approval but she gets it anyway, like she’s not trying to be cool she just is cool and we all agree and love you Miley!
Sometimes I go swimming with my oversized Barbie and sometimes I walk around my apartment dragging around taxidermy.
So if Y’all wanna an gurl that works as hard as she twerks hire me and the Party will never stop. I assume I got the job since no other Rockstars probably applied, right? DID THEY? I mean, even if they did their videos weren’t as cool as mine, right? RIGHT?
Never stop partying and never get old and always be cool! Attached is my current photo.
P.S. Have you guys tried molly? It’s so cool! and Fun! and Party!
I am THE creative Rockstar. I am this age’s CREATIVE ROCKSTAR! I don’t even like the term ‘Rockstar’, makes me sound too mortal! I AM A GOD! NOW WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DAMN CROISSANTS?
I know you thinking a GOD should be able to just create a fresh plate of croissants in an instant but I’m a God who can only make cool things, not some lame ass God who makes boring-ass shit like golf and the news and old-ass white people. I AM A COOL GOD!
Y’all sayin you want a creative rockstar? An art director? Someone driven, ambitious, self-motivated? Y’ALL WANT YE! BUT YOU CANT HAVE YE! Cause YE DON’T NEED THIS JOB! I gotta full time job of being a living GOD!! Creating whatever I want! NOW HURRY UP WITH MY FUCKING CROISSANTS! Y’all know I need them after my massage and before my menage!
I know you like Ye if you really a God just make some cool-ass Croissants. Some Alexander Wang diamond encrusted croissants! If you excuse me, maybe I’m just a little burnt out on creatin shit right now! This week alone I dropped a brand new classic album AND A BABY! God makes life! Ye makes life! Therefore Ye is GOD!
What’s the best thing that ever came outta your dick? Answer Ye when he’s talking! Some clean piss or a big fat load, probably. NUH UH-Not for Ye! TRY A BABY! When a GOD of art,fashion,music,politics,cool shit puts his dick into a goddess of TV,twitter,sex tapes you know what happens? OUT COMES A BABY!! She my little Christ! ‘Cept she gon’ be cooler than Christ and have some big ass titties and a Louis V bag!
If you send out for some croissants I’ll let you have a little art directing tip from a creative rockgod! Come on, man. Please?? Just one? I JUST NEED ONE FUCKIN CROSSANT, MAN! DONT BE LIKE THIS TO YE! THIS HOW YOU TREAT A GOD? SHAMEFUL!
Ok, so here’s a tip: FUCK ART! NO IMAGE! Put your face on the side of a building and say SOMEDAY THERE WILL BE MONUMENTS TO ME EVERYWHERE!! IT WILL BE COMMON PLACE to SEE ME EVERYWHERE! MY SONGS WILL BE THE NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM! WE WILL PLAY ‘EM FOR ALIENS AS A REPRESENTATION OF THE PEAK OF OUR CULTURE! PUBLIC SCHOOLTEACHER’S PENSIONS ARE PARTIALLY FUNDED BY PRIVATE PRISONS! OBAMA DONT CARE! ONLY YE CARES ANYMORE! PRAY TO YE!
Look, If I don’t get this job that’s fine. Life is more than your job. Life is whatever you dedicate yourself to. I dedicate myself to furthering the integrity of our collective culture and to the raising of a beautiful newborn baby girl. But honestly, where THE FUCK is MY CROISSANTS! ! Y’all make me so mad! *sniffle* I AINT CRYING!!! SHUT YOUR GODDAMN EYES and START PRAYIN TO YE!!
The whole Talk Party gang welcomes comedian and artist Will Storie (@willstorie) to talk about American Dad, crying, Art and mapping the characters on Gilligan’s Island to the characters on Breaking Bad.
Oh, man, am I looking into a mirror right now? Sometimes the lord gives you signs and you can feel something is right. First off, I’m a bonafide Rockstar Celeb and second that guy looks just like me! Third, I’m low on work and a Paid Internship would really be a blessing right now.
If you don’t believe I’m a real Rockstar Celeb, well, does the name Scott Stapp ring a bell?! Scott Stapp of CREED?! CREED from the 90s?!
Yeah, I am kind of like if Kurt Cobain and Jesus Christ had a child but one of them was a woman so that it wouldn’t be an abomination in the eyes of God and also so it would be biologically possible.
Creed were the second biggest thing to Jesus with the kids back in 1997-2001. And just like the big man our success brought together two millenniums.
In a lot of ways I’m like Kurt Cobain if he’d never killed himself (may he rest in hell receiving the punishment he deserves) in that I am a huge Rockstar Celeb.
I know what you’re thinking. So you’re Scott Stapp, one of the greatest rock stars to ever grace the stage and you’ve toured God’s Green America and even to Japan once, who cares? Well, first off, you care, my friend. You said you wanted a big Rockstar Celeb for your blog and now you got one so don’t throw your baggage on me. How many Creed CDs you got sitting in your car right now? 2 is what I would guess!
My second qualification (or sign from GOD that I was MEANT to take this internship) is that I LOOK JUST LIKE THE GUY IN YOUR PHOTO! If this was the post office I’d go up and turn myself in like ‘yeah that’s me. lock me up’. I’m sitting here in tighty-whiteys on a moss covered rock watching my abs glisten right now!
It’s like that old poem Footsteps. Sometimes you think you’re all alone walking on the beach outside your mansion but no…that’s just God carrying you with his even bigger muscles to the freedom of a paid internship.
If I don’t get a reply I’m gonna come to the office on Monday oiled and sweaty in my tighty-whiteys so you can see what a mistake you made!!
If you need a straight up rockstizzle Biz Dev Plizzle, fo shizzle, then open up cuz Snoop Lion is at the dizzle!
Now I Knizzle you probably wonderin why the snoop D-O-double GG is at the door ready make an entrance holdin a resume like ‘whazzup’? Well, nizzle uno is ya’ll should knizzle is Snoop Lion, now? And for two gimme a list a yo ashtrays becuz if Snoops gonna be in dat office deving biz like a playa rockstizzle y’all know i’m gonna have a blizzle to keep the mizzle rizzle, ya fizzle?
I work like a bizzle bzzing around the hizzle like bzz bzz bzzz. My wizzork cant be stizzled or stizzled when im in the zizzle!
So my main man my manager says you looking for a playa playa with an ‘Unshakeable Integrity!’ Y’all serious? Dis Snoop Lion you talking to! My integritizille didnt shizzle when my rastafarian album fizzled!
Ask around! My works got dat pizzazzle! What else you need? “A burning desire to do build long-term client relationships.” I burn from Mondizzle to Sundizzle with every OG from the D R E to Diplo, ho!
For real though, my album did fizzle, aint no jizzle! So I knizzle you ain’t hizzle from no other rockstizzles so I’ll see y’all at Fizzlebizzle Mondizzle!
This version has been reviewed and clarified by the Snoop Lion Management Team.
1.Rockstar 2. Player 3. Sure 4. Door 5. Know 6. Number 7. Blunt 8. Mind 9. Right 10. Feel 11. Bee 12. Hive (or, maybe House) 13. Work 14. Stopped 15. Stifled 16. Zone 17. Integrity 18. Shake 19. Actually this is literally the English word ‘Fizzled’ 20. Pizazz 21. Monday 22. Sunday 23. This is just Fizzle again but it also could be ‘failed’, who knows really 24. Joke 25. Hear 26. Funnelbox
Yo, when I saw that ROCKSTAR written all in caps like that I practically saw a red baseball cap sittin on top, na mean? I mean it looked like it was calling for me! Freddy D! U know, Freddy D of the L. B.? Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit.
I’ve learned to be more clear about who I am these past few years. Seems i’m starting to be forgotten even though my bands on tour right now and we just signed with CASH MONEY RECORDS! They put out a lot of hits in the late 90s/00s era. The golden age. Classics like ‘Shake Ya Ass’ and “Back Dat Thang Up’ and probably at least one more.
Fuck! When I start daydream i just daze out, ya know? You know what it means to be sad? Like real sad? Like talking to a random dude from Craigslist just tryin to get a job sad? Fuck sometimes I let down the veil a lil too much FUCK IT LETS PARTY!! GET NOOKIE! KEEP ROLLIN! BREAK SOMETHING!! DONT EVER LET EM SEE YOU CRY!! EVERYTHING IS FUCKED!!
Fuck, I knew writtin this would make me get real. Fuck, Freddy you know your problem is you always too real! It’s like these words on a page is my inner dialogue. I wonder what my daughter is up to right now? Or where she’s at? Fuck, I hope she aint dead! Naw, her mom woulda told me. I shoulda quit back in 98 and been a dad not a raprockstar.
But seriosly, who better to be a guest ROCKSTAR Bartender than the motherfucker who brought down Woodstock motherfuckin 99! Remember that? i thought i was gonna get arrested for that shit. THere I was cryin in the helicopter outta there and Wes is all ‘it wasnt our fault’ but fuck Im like ‘yeah maybe i shouldnta said ‘light shit on fire’ ‘rape someone’ and ‘show yur parents u know how to have a good time too’ but goddamn whys it always gotta be the WHITE MANS FAULT, HUH? WHY AINT THEY A WHITE ENTERTANEMENT TV? CUZ U KNOW LB WOOD BE ON THE SHIT 24/7!
About this having a draw of “20-30 plp”, how serious is that?
Now under compensation it says “yes yes yes” Thats what i like to here! FucK GET ME PAID!! Like its 2002 Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog Flavored Water is tearin up TRL! I gots screamin to see my videos for 30 secz at a time motherfucker! And you just owning some stupid bar like a PUUSSSY!
Yo, that was too far. I see that now. If you could see me (skype?) you’d see these tears was real! Sumtimes when i get real sad I look down the barrel of gun (i aint own a gun but it makes me sound cool OK!O K? OK!) and I think if i killed myself would my gravestove just say ‘Chocolate Starfish’? Yea, it probably woold.
So MAN DO ME A SOLID AND LET ME DO THIS!! Fuck it what other rockstars are applying? TELL ME! WHO?? JON DAVIS!? STATIC X GUY! SYSTEM OF A DOWN BEARD GUY!? METALLICA? TELL ME!
We are the entity known as DAFT PUNK. We are communicating using textual symbols in order to be seriously considered for the position of ROCKSTAR GRAPHIC DESIGNER/WEBMASTER WANTED(HIGH END AGENCY LEVEL WORK) (NEW YORK).
In an attempt to connect to you in a way that will better resonate with you emotionally allow us to make a more formal greeting: HELLO
Now that the task of introduction has been completed to an efficient degree we may inform you of our work. We have the adequate skills required to design graphically and to find the Webmaster. We work well as a team. We must never be separated, not until the Webmaster is found.
If you are familiar with our work you will applaud our abilities to complete this section without stating the obvious; that we work harder, better, faster, stronger until work is over.
Sound is a very efficient way of scanning areas that can be hard to navigate. As masters of sound we shall use our aural expertise when finding your precious webmaster. We will find they are wherever they are despite their size, strength, gender, species or technological and biological advancements. If it is requested we will kill him/her/them once s/he/it is found.
Some of the words in the description found in your subject made for a troubling translation within our mental processors. Clearly we are ROCKSTARS who together have designed an unmistakeable image (i.e a set of graphics) to express ourselves. We are uncertain why this makes for better Webmaster hunters. However we are able to kill indiscriminately and be completely undetected, as we have no fingerprints or faces.
We will accept no compensation for the completion of this task. Daft Punk will complete this task simply because we love homework.
Now that you have been adequately informed of our skills we will accept the position. At dawn we will vacate our current premises and begin our inquisition to the location of the WEBMASTER. We will return with the head or whichever appendage is most prominently featured. We will see you on the time-phase known as this Monday.
I am an experienced rockstar and wish to be considered for the position of RockStar Manager. I understand that recently you received an application from my brother Liam Gallagher. Please do not hold that against me. I am very experienced in being professionally responsible, especially in picking up the slack for others.
For instance at the last second my brother Liam dropped out of our MTV Unplugged performance and I was left to sing all of the songs. But then he showed up drinking and smoking, the fuckin’ slagga! Can you believe that? Well, I did what was needed and completed the task with minimal complaints. I don’t mean to tear Liam down but only to sight my own experience with the skills needed for this position.
I am certainly a team player. For this I sight my work with seminal rock group Oasis. Once, four days after that MTV Unplugged performance in fact, my brother Liam, cunt that he is, backed out of an Arena tour of America and I was left to play the dual role of singer and guitarist. I rose to the occasion and some fans said it was some of our best shows. Liam never mentioned why he backed out. But I can only assume it was something stupid, like it being to cold out or it was a Tuesday. Is that the kind of fuckin baby you want working at your restaurant? He’s liable to tell the hostess he thinks she’s ugly and then fuck a waitress at the hostess booth before leaving for a fag and never return. For christ’s sake I have seen him do this on a number of occasions! But if that’s what you want from a ✰Rockstar Manager✰ then fuckin hire him! I, again, only mention this to sight my own professional experience with being a team player.
As you request I certainly know a thing or two about taking pride in other people, your product and hospitality. I invented Oasis, wrote all the songs, booked the tours, got us the press and whats Mum say? “LET LIAM PLAY TOO, NOEL” I should have said “FUCK LIAM” RIGHT THEN AND THERE BUT NOOOO! NOEL IS TOO FUCKING NICE AND HOSPITABLE TO PEOPLE!!! HE WANTS TO HAVE A GOOD PRODUCT SO HE WRITES SONGS WITHOUT ANY BIG WORDS OR IN ANY DIFFICULT KEYS SO HIS FUCKUP DRUNK STUPID BROTHER CAN SING THEM!! Once more, I state this not to demean my brother’s reputation in the eyes of your fine establishment but rather to allow you to better understand that I am with you when it comes to taking pride in other people, your product and hospitality. Something that fuckin moron Liam wouldn’t know if it hit him on the head like a fuckin beer bottle and he’s dont even blink like i’ve seen happen at least a dozen fucking times!!
Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds 2010 - Present
REFERENCES: Former Band Members: Paul Arthurs, Paul McGuigan, and Tony McCarroll
COVER LETTER: Attached as a PDF.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I look forward to meeting with you soon for an interview. For fuck;s sake if Liam gets a fuckin interview and I dont may god help you. I know Im the only other rockstar applying for this gig. Fuckit, i’m coming down on monday and if he’s there he’s gettin my boots to his balls!
Rockstar manager, eh? Well fuckedoo if you slaggas ain’t just got an email from the biggest fucking rockstar of 1995, motherfucking Liam Gallagher of fucking Oasis. Maybe ya heard of us- OH YEAH OF COURSE U HAVE BECAUSE WE WERE THE FUCKIN BEATLES (YEAH THOSE BEATLES) OF THE FUCKING 1990s!
When you’re done gawking and taking screencaptures of this email I”ll take ya fucking job. I mean I’m a rockstar and I managed to handle that pretty well so I gues im ya new bloody fucking Rockstar manager.
‘Says here ya want someone responsible. Well hows a bout being fuckin resposible for ‘Champagne fuckin supernova!” or the entire bloody fucking “DEFINITELY MAYBE” album, minus the songwrittin and guitar and bass and drum parts!! IS THAT FUCKING RESPOONCIBLE ENOUGH FOR U CUNTS!!!
I dont need this fucking job and i dont need ya fuckin bullshit and if i show up late, drunk and with two cigarettes in each hand that’s my fuckin pergoragtive now, innit?
Things id like bout be a fucking SLAVE for you cunts: Paid training, Paid Holidays, Pade Vacation, Meal comps, Medical/dental. Things i don much care for is all this fuckin resturante work talk! Ya want a fuckin rockstar manager or do you wanna fuckin idiot busboy who coulldnt’ write ‘Wonderwall’ to save his fuckin life? d’ya no what I mean/?
Resume: HOWS BEIN IN FUCKIN OASIS FOR A RESUME?
References: hows bout 90 MILLION screamin stupidd fans?
Cover letter; fuck’s all this been, uh??
A job? fuckit what I need’s a nap!!! My rools’ always been: If I still wan it when im sober then it must be love. So im a sleep off this buzz. I know im the only fuckin rockstar applyin for this job so when i wake up on monday ill stop by,
I’m that **Rock Star** Summer Camp Counselor you’ve been looking for! I’m Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. I’ve been known to be good with kids, whether it’s adopting a 16-year old girl so we can live together and do drugs for three years or providing a voice in the upcoming animated film EPIC.
Needless to say I’ve got a lot of crazy stories to share around the campfire. Some funny, some scary. Like the time J.Lo, Randy and I pissed in the soda machine on American Idol. Man, you shoulda seen them dumbass kids slurping up that piss-laced Coca-Cola. Every time they’d come in to sing they’d be taking sip after sip to keep their thirst quenched and we’d laugh and laugh. Oh man, good times. I’m sure the kids at camp would love to hear more tales like that from a bonafide Rock Star counselor.
Also I’m kind of a cool real life cartoon character for the kids. I’m known for my flair and am always wearing half a kimono, 13 necklaces and a bird’s nest in my hair.
Gotta let you know I do have Hepatitis C but from my experience kids don’t judge you about a thing like that the way adults do. Kids are special like that, ya know? I feel like I could really excel at this and help these kids get on the right track. Tell them things like how when I was there age I was skipping school and taking shots of Jack Daniels every morning for breakfast. And now look at me: I’ve played two Woodstocks, wrote that song from Armageddon, hosted American Idol, had an album with a pierced udder on it, was on The Simpsons- bet those little shits would love to be on The Simpsons- well, ain’t ever gonna happen unless you start dreaming!
Drinking to drink ain’t it, pal! You gotta drink to dream. That’s how this demon of screamin’ did it! That’s a lesson we can all learn. So from the better half of the Toxic Twins (but dont worry im clean now) I’ll see you on Monday! NOW LET ME AT THEM KIDS!
JW and I are on the improv team KISSING DISEASE with Mark Stetson SO we talk about that! Then JW, Chris and I discuss Israel, doing character-based themed improv with Mafia-prov, and his one-man show Stetson’d! We end the show talking about the DCM show THE BAKERY!
WANT MORE MARK, YOU GREEDY BASTARD? Well, listen to him on the Peoples Improv Theater podcast, The PITcast and follow him on twitter @markstetsond