Getting ever closer to my dream of being fired from SNL here is my rejected submission to contribute to Weekend Update.
1. Pennsylvania police arrested a man who broke into an area bar and took a nap on a table. The arrest took longer than expected when the man said “Just five more minutes.”
2. A woman in Florida is selling high-end purses made out of dog hair. The purses currently sell for a thousand dollars a piece but she believes that the price will go down once people find out they’re made of dog hair.
3. An 11 year old boy in China, who was washing his hands in a river, discovered a 3,000 year old sword. He had no time to play with it however because he had to get back to his shift at the iPhone factory.
4. In Liverpool, an invasion of over a million mosquitos has sent dozens of residents to the hospital creating an annoyingly high pitched sound in the ears of the doctors.
5. This week in Japan an event to raise HIV awareness, entitled Boob Aid, was held, where in an exchange for a donation participants were able to squeeze the breasts of adult film stars. Nothing says HIV awareness like paying to go to second base with a stranger.
6. A man in Fredericksburg, Virginia broke into a home and stole 25 rolls of toilet paper. He was apprehended after a piece of toilet paper led the police right to his shoe.
7. A Southwest Airlines passenger was detained this weekend after changing his Wi-Fi hotspot name to phrases like “Bomb on board” and “The bomb is on the seat.” He is being charged with “forgetting 9/11.”
8. Because of massive budget shortfalls in Detroit, many of the city’s fire stations rely on a jerry-rigged alarm system consisting of a coke can full of change and a fax machine. So that’s where Macguyver went.
9. Panera Bread issued a statement asking customers to not bring guns into its restaurants. But if you’re the type of person who brings a gun into Panera Bread then you probably don’t read the statements released by Panera Bread.
10. A new report shows that American children are getting a third too much salt in their food. What’s worse is they’re getting two-thirds all over the table – JEREMY!
If you liked this be sure to check out our half hour special, Soap Presents The Soap Sketch Special, this SATURDAY at MIDNIGHT on Brooklyn’s Free Speech TV BPN 3 (Time Warner 56, Cablevision 69, RCN 84, Verizon FiOS 44)
Earlier today I saw the first of many old, GOP establishment, white guys posting online “The Republican Party got the message today.” Last night the House Majority and one of the lead voices in the opposition to President Obama lost the Virginia Congressional Primary to a no-name Tea Party supporter whose name happens to be David Brat. Which couldn’t be a more perfect last name for someone associated with the Tea Party. The message the republican party got was the surprise that a guy who warned Christians to “rise up” just ousted the only Jewish Republican in congress. And apparently Brat was able to pull it off because people in Virginia are so afraid of Mexicans that Eric Cantor saying he supports not deporting children is enough of a reason to elect someone more radical.
But don’t worry, the Republican Party got the message. The same message they got when they couldn’t figure out why they lost so bad in the 2012 Presidential election. The conclusions they drew from their “autopsy report” showed them that they lost because they had too many people who wanted to be president—the public knew a lot about those candidates, and their views were too open to the public. Seriously. That’s what they learned the “problem” was.
This whole “The Republican party got the message” idea goes back to about 2009 when the more aware republicans started to realize that it was the specter of George W. Bush that cost them the election against President Obama. On The Daily Show in 2009, a considerably far-right republican Ken Blackwell, who through confusion and manipulation helped secure Ohio for George W. Bush back in 2004, claimed that he had been a critic of President Bush since the bailout. For the Republicans who still support the idea of small government in their speeches, 2009 was when they started claiming that President Bush didn’t act like a conservative and with the 2008 election they “got the message.”
By my count that’s nearly eight years and going on four major elections of “getting the message.”
So what’s the message? According to one political cartoon, the message is a giant eagle (voters) staring at a small elephant in a suit (GOP). So vocal supporters of David Brat say the message is that the GOP hasn’t gone far enough. If the voters are really saying, “We don’t like Jews” and “deport children” are all of these old, white guys saying, “You’re right, the GOP will move in that direction” ?
If it’s anything like all the other times the Republican Party has “got the message” they will sit idly by and just say “no” on every single bill in the hope that it appeases their base as its most fringe elements rip it apart.
After “getting the message” in 2013, the Republicans were told if they ever wanted to win a presidential election again they should focus on immigration reform. Immigrating families tend to be religious, pro-life and support traditional values, i.e. hate gays and fear change. Instead of having people darker than beige voting for them they continue to be pulled by the loudest fringe of their base.
But don’t worry, that’s all going to change because the Republican party cares about winning elections. And last night the Republican party got the message.
They didn’t get it yesterday when America’s headlines read “74th school shooting since Sandy Hook.”
They didn’t get it on Sunday when a couple with ties to Tea Party darling Clive Bundy’s ranch caused a shootout which they claimed was “the beginning of the revolution.”
They didn’t get it a month ago when a report found that not accepting a federal increase in Medicaid would lead to 6,000 deaths per year.
They haven’t gotten the message on climate change a month after scientists discovered the irreversible collapse of Antarctica’s glaciers.
After opposition to the Stand Your Ground laws that overwhelmingly leads to the death of innocent black men, the five conservatives on the Supreme Court “got the message” and gutted the Voting Rights act and claimed that racism is over.
The Republican party cares about elections not policy. And the Republican party’s policies are literally killing us.
It doesn’t matter how many terrible things members of their party have to say; how many children have to be shot; how many poor people have to die because the Republican party doesn’t care about actual policy. All of the deaths they’ve caused and the major changes that are happening to this world don’t matter. Because elections are just a fucking football game. And after losing to extremism in an election last night, all the Republican party can say is, “Don’t worry, America. Everything is going to change now. Because we got the message.”
Matt Berg was sick for several years and couldn’t find out why. Then he went to Peru to drink Ayahuasca. He hasn’t been sick since. Oh, and also he’s taking a year and half vacation to spend all of the credit card points he’s earned. Read his blog at The 2 Million Mile Honeymoon
Stand up and host of the Unbelievable Podcast BRIAN FRANGE joins us to tug on the wild ball of yarn of Conspiracy Theories. Then we turn our focus to the real life absurdity of actual news! Listen before the Reptilian overlords reveal themselves!
im a creep. im a loser. what the hell am i doing applying to kimchi grill?
well, i am not in need of your shit $$$ i’ll tell you that much.
frankly i just need something to keep me from spending all day reading about fracking, climate change, massive sea-life extinction, chemical leakage from plastic bottles used by children, rise of bi-polar among household pets, a ball of cigarette butts forming outside my window, the barrage of buzzfeed quizzes posted on my facebook feed, etc. etc.
i’m not interested in any take-over-the-world / kimchi-grill-in-every-home globalized bullshit so if i ever feel the company is getting a little too big for its britches ill quit.
also i support fair trade so if i’m delivering a tofu edamame falafel and the bloke at the door gives me a broken drum machine I’m inclined to take it as payment because thats a fair trade to me.
now whats all this of “a free meal daily”? oh, wow, every day? how fuckin generous of you! /sarc. feel free to give my meal to a starving child - oh, but what about the other 20 million starving kids in the country? i guess we tell them ‘better luck tomorr’w! kimchi grill’s gotta meet this quarters profit projections, right! and dont think of eatin leftovers from the garbage cause they make us pour bleach on it, the heartless cunts!”
and i wont be needing your gas stipend so shove that up your arse.
you see, when i used to drive, as a younger, read: naive, man i would catch myself staring unblinkingly into the steering wheel for hours at a time. ’hello airbag!’ i’d say. ’care to smash my face into a million pieces today?’ ‘care to thrust my nose into the back of my skull?”care to have my children be asked ‘whos that hideous man with the plastic airbag dangling from his mashed face?’ by other children and they have to reply ‘oh thats just my dad’ and the other child will say ‘why?’ and my child will say ‘because not enough innocent cunts had their fuckin faces smashed in to justify changing the airbag feature because the auto industry is run by greedy fuckin pigs!’ and the other child will say ‘oh’ and my child will say ‘so now my dad looks like the elephant man trying to eat a tire’
suffice it to say, i ride a bike now.
anyway i accept this position at your bullshit grill but i will need the next three days off due to existential fatigue. this happens every week or so.
The hilarious Cathleen Carr tells us some crazy fetus facts (THEY EAT HAIR IN THE WOMB!), reminds us that someone could break in and murder you at anytime, and lets us in on her one-woman show God Told Me To Do This.
Listen as we talk to Jonathan A. Sims about his amazing paintings (www.chromadectic.com), moving from the art scene in Texas to New York, watching Jodorowsky movies, and then make him answer all our questions about history after we discover he’s also a history teacher.
If you missed Patrick Waldo's one-man show “Come at Me, Bro” listen to him give us a heart-wrenching retelling of the inspiring story PLUS he gives us his list of the 5 Best Burgers in the city! SPONSORED BY: Sharpie® and Stamps.com
that was all lies. In fact my good friend Patrick Waldo has a great conversation with us about being arrested for being the graffiti artist Mustache Man, separating your friends into groups and getting ripped off for a bagel.
I have a confession to make. I’m seeing a man even though I’m married…to a woman…who is my wife….and she is cool with me seeing this man.
He’s an incredible guy. He’s beautiful, strong, caring, smart and deeply religious. We take long walks on the beach. When I get too tired he carries me. He holds my hand. My heart grows when I feel his touch.
He’s what I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I look forward to sunday mornings when I close my eyes, open my mouth and taste the saltiness of his body.
Did I mention my wife is cool with it?
A few months ago my wife came home from work early. I was in our bedroom having a deep moment with my special guy. Imagine my surprise when she opened the door and there I was on my knees as he stood above me. My face bathed in white. The white light of the glory of Jesus Christ.
I was afraid she would be mad. But she wasn’t. She was cool with it. Without saying a word she came up beside me and got on her knees. There in our bedroom we both double teamed the man of my life. Each one taking an ear and expressing ourselves in ways we didn’t know possible. Our hands gripped together as we felt an explosion. We felt his warmth come over our bodies.
We both laid there feeling a revitalization in our marriage. We owe it all to my— our— special guy, Jesus Christ. That night we went out to a special dinner and laughed together like we did when we first started dating. When we got back we became intimate and had missionary intercourse. As my body began to tingle and I felt like I was going to burst I looked up over the headboard of our bed. The man of my dreams was gripping his sturdy crucifix of wood and watching me, smiling, with flowing brown hair, winking blue eyes, six pack abs. I couldn’t stop myself from succumbing to his glory.
It was a night I’ll never forget. So remember, just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t have a crush on a man.
My name is Eddie Vedder and I am submitting my resume for the Rockstar Counterstaff/Barista position.
How did I go from one of the biggest grunge acts in the world to applying to be a rockstar barista? Well, it’s evolution, baby! Remember that video? Dude who did Spawn? That was fun and all but as you get older you start to see how fuckin stupid it can be financially to spend all your time fighting for lower ticket prices and giving to charity. That being said I do have restaurant and catering experience.
I’m not one to bad mouth charity. But to us that was our drug. I’d wake up on tour and say “Hey, Jeff (Ament) how are the oceans looking?” And he’d say “Bad news, Eddie, they’re still fucked!” So before noon there we were feeling whoozy with a needle in our arms giving blood to some indonesian kid who can’t get clean drinking water. So I guess you could say I have a proactive nature and leadership abilities.
Frankly I need this gig just so I can prove to myself that I’m still AAALLLIIVVVVEEYYEEAHH!
I promise to not tell YEEAAAHHHHHHH after every good thing that happens. That’s really pissed off some past employers.
I’m a hard worker. For the past 20+ years I’ve worked 1-2 hours a day 3-5 days a week. You add up all the material I’ve created and you got yourself about 12-13 hours of elbow grease. I don’t know what that is in coffee. But I’ll let you in on a secret. Right before our album Vitalogy was about to hit shelves I noticed the cover said “Vitology” and I said “Hey now!” Can you imagine the looks on our fans faces if they brought home Vitolgy when they were expecting Vitalogy? I lost a lot of sleep over that. That’s just one example of the attention to detail I will bring to your West Village restaurant.
Lastly, I was in Pearl Jam. I’m a humble man and I don’t like to brag but if that isn’t enough to make me the Rockstar Counterstaff/Barista at Nourish Kitchen and Table then you’re just being really difficult!
It’s time for Beginnings, the podcast where writer and performer Andy Beckerman talks to the comedians, writers, filmmakers and musicians he admires about their earliest creative experiences and the numerous ways in which a creative life can unfold.
On today’s show I talk to LA-based comedian Danny Lobell. Danny is an internationally touring stand-up and storyteller, and for eight years he hosted the first comedy podcast called Comical Radio. Starting in 2004, Danny interviewed some of the top comic minds of our time including George Carlin, Paul Giamatti and Chris Rock. When the show ended in 2012, he started a new show called Modern Day Philosophers, where he learns about the Western canon of philosophy with his comedy guests.
Back in December, Danny came over to my Franklin Village sublet in LA to talk about resenting your siblings, mentally ill parents, familial rifts, being desensitized to violence, painting as a solitary act, an idealized vision of New York, the definition of “tenement”, online trolls, seasonal affective disorder, The Schnoogy Hunters, John Wayne and the Magic Record Player, and converting to Orthodox Judaism. Plus, in the second half of the show, I talk to my friend Joel Straley of the Talk Party podcast about becoming an atheist.
Stand-up, Relationship Guru and Fellow TIckles member Christian Polanco is in the Talk Party hot seat* Chris and JW grill him on his new stand-up special, his relationship podcast Offstage, and what it’s like to the be the kind of guy who can talk to girls.
I was busy eating fried chicken at a wedding in Ohio while this happened so sorry if I sound ‘distant’ in this one.
Katie Kester (@katiemkester), host of the Later Show, joins us to talk about her monthly variety show at the PIT. We talk about how her show implements interactive media with a live streaming feed and Twitter Hashtags.
Listen in as we discuss the influence of Late World with Zach Galifianakis, posting 9/11 conspiracy videos on your Facebook, sitting in on The View and never letting the audience see you sweat!
Obamacare Has Its Share of Problems…Because Obama is Hitler.
By Ralph Wigglesworth
I hate to say I told you so but when it comes to Obamacare; I told you so. Now that the plan is being implemented we are starting to see many of its shortcomings. I knew Obamacare—or the “Affordable Care Act” as it’s officially known—would present problems for hard-working Americans from day one. Which is why I spent so much time telling people “Obamacare is nazi socialism”.
The launch of the Federal health insurance exchange website, Healthcare.gov, has gone so poorly that Kathleen Sebelius has apologized to those Americans trying to sign up for Obamacare. Now I’ve never claimed to be a computer whiz or a Doctor of Health Insurance Policies but I saw this coming a mile away. This is the Death Panel in action. Obama is stealing our lives away 15-30 minutes at a time as we refresh HealthCare.Gov like Jewish slaves in a labor camp. Efrishend Macht Frei.
A poor website is one thing but it also turns out the White House knowingly misled Americans by telling them they would be allowed to keep their current Insurance plan. I’m overcome with sadness when I realize this could have been avoided, if more Americans had paid attention…back when I was forwarding emails of President Obama as a tribal witch doctor.
The innocent days of email forwards are over now. Obamacare has gone through months of open debate, been passed by congress, signed by the president, survived numerous calls for repeal, been upheld by the Supreme Court and seems to be here to stay. In a way, I almost feel silly now for taking a photo holding up a piece of my own poop to Photoshop President Obama’s face on it. But then I remember that win or lose, I was still an American citizen living free and having his voice heard!
It was a glorious time for democracy back when health care reform was first being hashed out. Americans of all stripes, although more white than red or blue, were gathering in town hall meetings ready to yell the truths we’d been given in pamphlets provided by FreedomWorks®. A Congressman would come out to meet his constituents and listen to the unfiltered thoughts of his fellow man. He’d suggest that uninsured children be given health care, and we’d start screaming the pledge of allegiance so close to his face that we were basically spitting on him. The more he wept, the louder we pledged!
It wasn’t just screams, emails, and photoshopped bigotry either—it was also actions. I stood protesting on the steps of the Supreme Court as I awaited their decision on the constitutionality of the Public Mandate. I chanted and sang as I held my side of the banner that read “My My Hey Hey Obamacare, Abortion, Nazi, Gay”
The first four words might have been nonsense but the message was clear. So when I see headlines about the Obamacare website having bugs, or the plan not being perfectly implemented I can’t help but think back with a sense of pride that we were right: Obama is black Hitler and Obamacare will kill us all.
Ralph Wigglesworth was a host of “The Great Debate” radio program from 2006 to 2008. He is the current President of the Americans Against the Communist Plot to Add Flouride to the Public Water Supply and runs the Facebook group “LIKE if you don’t like OBAMA”.
Today we talk to improviser Sean Reidy (@sean_reidy) about his podcast “Saturday Morning Deathgrip” and his webseries “The Managers” which of course leads us to talking about Saturday Morning Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, making art that’s marketable and the phenomenon of Uncanny Valley.
Listen as I name drop Douglas Rushkoff, JW thinks I say “reality TV is our biggest continent” and Chris suggests a cereal called Mad-Men-o’s.
On the timeline of an alternate Universe much like our own, Orson Welles did not die on October 10, 1985, but was in fact born for the first time. After a suburban childhood, Welles left to travel Europe. His father’s death left him an inheritance that allowed him to become another trust fund millennial taking up all the good spots in the hostels.
Once returning to the United States, he made a home in a five-bedroom loft in New York City, technically Bushwick. Europe had given him a love a theatre, so as soon as he could he joined a short-form improv group. They specialized in performing Shakespeare but with celebrity suggestions taken from the audience such as Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Their performances garnered some attention with one night’s version of Macbeth being declared “racist” by several blogs.
Looking to expand his skill-set, Welles recorded an episode for the theatre’s podcast. Welles read an adaptation of H.G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds. The podcast amounted to little more than a few concerned eyebrow-raises among subway riders who downloaded it simply because it was free. However some press was received as iTunes reviews poured in stating, “I thought this was real,” “This should have had a warning,” and “meh.”
Welles decided to use the notoriety to again expand his career. His eyes were now set on the wonders of moving images. He soon released his first Vine, an old man whispering his dying words: “Rosebud.” After receiving three re-Vines Welles, felt this was encouragement to expand the idea to a full-length feature.
Welles gained nearly 75% of his Kickstarter goal, mostly thanks to his mother and the rest of his inheritance. With this he was able to create what would become his magnum opus, Occupy Kane, the story of power and wealth told in a webseries of 47 parts. By the release of part 22, the YouTube views were already teetering around the 10s.
Much to Welles surprise, he had been nominated for an award in the category of Biggest Fail at that years Webbys. The webseries was panned by Splitsider, who claimed it to be “hard to follow” with “poor lighting” and “long takes that test the viewer’s patience.”
Around this time, Welles prolific nature was stifled. He had finished his fifth internship at his improv theatre and was still working full time as an administrative assistant at a start-up that focused on making ordering lunch with a smartphone even easier.
Welles spent his final days drunk and eating frozen peas. In fact, someone really should have been there to film him. It was quite funny and probably would have been the type of thing to really go viral on a site like Reddit.
Welles took his own life on May 6, 2013. His suicide note was a GIF of some old actress shrugging. It might have been Rita Hayworth. I don’t know. I don’t really watch old movies. They’re pretty boring.
One of my best friends who happens to also be a Labor Union Strategist Drew Zimmerman joins the show.
Finally my political rants have purpose! He talks to us about the challenges of fighting for the little guys in a world ran by multinational corporations, playing the PR game and the dangers of wage disparity!
Also the Flintstones and some college stories come up!
Today we’re joined by JW’s Fraternity little brother Ian Ross (@ianr87) who just spent the last two years in Rwanda teaching kids as a part of the Peace Corps. WHAT IS THAT LIKE? YOU DONT KNOW! SO LISTEN!
A meditation leads to a story about me peeing in a waste-basket around 7:45, Chris Teja raps at 23:25 and are doctors prostitutes? They touch your genitals and you pay them to make you feel good, right? ALL THIS AND MORE!!
REFERENCE: (here is an example of YouTube Poop, as discussed):
Brunch rockstar? OMG! Seriously, brunch is my only meal of the day. After the acid kicks in it’s usually like way to crazy to eat. Like one night I tried to eat a pizza and my brain was all “this cheese was once a living pig, Ke$ha! You’re chewing on what was inside the nipples of a baby piglet!”
I spit it out immediately becuz i felt like a cannibal. cuz I once heard that pigs are the closest animal to humans. Anyway thats why I called my first album “Animal” and my second album “Cannibal.” That minute was the most creative time of my entire life.
Anywhoozledoozle *.blaeeeaeasas00o—-sorry, i just puked on myself, which happens from time to time and if this job starst early like before noon-thirty its probably gonna happen a lot. no worries, cuz im smart! I keep a can of glitter in my purse for just such occasions (trade secret: Throw glitter on the puke on your shirt and if someone says ‘whats that smell?’ just go ‘I think i saw a dog eating its puke- their soooo gross’ People usually beleive u. People are all such sheeep. Not everyone can be as creative and taleneted as u Ke$ha! Thanks, Ke$#a. Where was i? Oh yea throw glitter on your puke.)
So if you’re gonna run a brunch you need to get the party started with some jams. Thats where me, yr new Brunch Rockstar, comes in! Ill bring the same karaoke machine i use on tour and will play all my hits from Tik Tok to Blah Blah Blah to Fuck Him He’s a DJ (*seriously those are my real songs - so dont steal them*)
See ya Sunday bitchesss (assuming im nothungover and dont like get high and forget i have job which fuckin always happens!!!_ Blaaeewwseeo/ goddammit,Ke$#a, we’re alsmot out of glitter!