The Whiskey Rebellion

Best Improv Scene

williebhines:

Reblog and describe the best improv scene you ever saw.

Death By Roo Roo in Cagematch in 2009. They started doing a scene about a Bed and Breakfast in Middle Earth. Nothing super-weird was popping out during the first five minutes- just a slice of life of an Elvish Bed and Breakfast. THEN Curtis Gwinn, proving why my friend has nicknamed him ‘The Architecht’, steps in and tags everyone out of the scene. They all jump on board as a group of teenagers playing Dungeons and Dragons, immediately making the Bed and Breakfast a part of the Dungeons and Dragons game. For the rest of the show they jumped back and forth between the two. Near the end one of the teenagers flips over the board and they cut back to Bed and Breakfast where all the characters are running all over the stage screaming.

Also…

Ben Rodgers by himself in Cagematch doing a monoscene where he played three teenagers tied to chairs in an old neighbor’s house. He appeared once as the neighbor but spent the bulk of the time moving the chair to play the three kids who were being held after hitting a baseball through the old neighbor’s window.  

Why I am Joining Goldman Sachs

I have become aware of an opening as the Executive Director within your firm. Allow me to express my interest in this, or any other, position.

If you’re not a liberal by 20 you have no heart, if you’re not a conservative by 24 you must’ve landed a job dispute having a liberal arts degree. Since graduating from college, and after three unpaid internships and two chained-to-a-desk office jobs, I believe I have been in the real world long enough to understand the trajectory of our culture. I can honestly say that the world is toxic and destructive and I want my slice of the pie, dammit! 

To put in the simplest terms, I want to be rich. This is where you come in. You guys make a lot of money and I would like to make a lot of money thus I should be the new Executive Director. Don’t worry, any sort of humanitarian values, liberal ideals, or good old fashion conscience have been dropped and replaced with a cold desire to be filthy, stinkin’ rich! You ask for it, I do it, I get money, everything is gravy!

See those vultures eating that juicy and delicious carcass up there? That vulture flying away is me! Going off to get more fresh dead carcasses for Goldman Sachs. All I ask in return is for some of that succulent meat of newly-homeless elderly and foreclosed-upon families.

I know I have some strikes against me. I don’t know anything about financial institutions, I went to a state school and I’m not qualified. But hear me out. I can be an absolute psychopath if the price is right! I’m talking crazy shit! I’ll do shit so cray you would swear to your own mother I’d have to either be a CEO or a megalomaniacal, Middle-Eastern dictator.

I can execute the “three ways to become a leader” as listed in the op-ed “Why I Am Leaving Goldman-Sachs”: 1.) Execute on the firm’s “axes” (sure, sounds easy enough!) 2. Hunt elephants (Fuck yeah! Hunting elephants just like rich guys! What Would Romney Do, amirite?!) and 3. Whatever number 3 was. Goldman Guys, I don’t have a lot of talent, skill or time but I’ve got what counts- an American citizenship and a dream! Together, I believe, that spells “the American Dream” (not to be confused with the 1950’s comic book superhero.)

I have it in me to be a terrible person for money, I just know it! All I need is one chance, like in that hit show “Smash” or it’s predecessor “Burlesque”. I can’t tell you how many times I watched “Silence of the lambs” and thought, outside of the swastika bed-sheets, I could totally do that! I don’t even know if you guys do any Buffalo Bill type shit, but if you do - I can do it, with you, for money, is all I’m saying.

With your genius foresight and ability to foster the next generation of filthy rich, straight, white-men, perhaps I can wake up tomorrow and proudly say, “Today is my first day at Goldman Sachs”. Then that Friday I’ll look at my bank account and it will all be worth it. Every crying child and every evicted occupier will all be worth it when I see those 5 (or more!) digits on the ATM screen.

I’m serious. If you need someone to shred papers or drive the car to get rid of some bodies, I’m your man. I’ve seen a lot of movies so I’m fairly familiar and severely desensitized. You call me, we negotiate an offer (I’ll take most amounts!) then we do business together. Also, I’d prefer to be paid in gold bricks.

2011: Hip-hop Just Fucked your Face!

2011 was a great year for rap. You might have noticed all kinds of new and diverse hip-hop artists popping up this year releasing mixtape after mixtape that turned YouTube views into real money. But you probably didn’t notice that many of these artists weren’t just after your ears- they wanna fuck your whole face. In the past rappers have gotten head, brains, and dome but now they’re fucking faces.

These are the top 5 artists of 2011 you need to know -who are out to fuck your face.

Danny Brown - Monopoly @ 2:30

Danny Brown may have a silly haircut but he takes fucking faces very seriously. You can hear how pissed he is to have to partake in such extreme forms of oral sex.

Tyler, The Creator - Burgers @ 1:43

Basically Tyler, The Creator is crediting his success to kids in london who needed a soundtrack to fighting and facefucking (maybe facefucking will become a hypermacho form of fighting in some Mad Max Hardcore-style distopian future)

The Weeknd - Loft Music @ 1:49

Its safe to assume that The Weeknd is always on drugs and horny. Plus he hangs out in clubs so cool that everyone just fucks each others faces. So stop being a narc and getting so weird about it, alright!

Lil B - Pretty Boy @ 3:18

Lil B says he’s gonna “Fuck her face like her husband”- Isn’t that sweet… I think. I like to imagine Lil B up in his bedroom, while his mom is cooking dinner, just recording that 4 minutes of “Woo Woo Woo Woo” over and over again.

Mr. Muthafuckin eXquire - The Last Huzzah @ 4:44

Technically, this is “Skull-fucking”, but judging by the size of Mr. Muthafuckin eXquire’s gut it’s safe to assume if he face fucked anyone it’ll end up being as frightening as the term “skull-fucking” anyway.

As it turns out, regardless of “face-fucking” references, these are just some good songs to listen to so be glad you did.

Also that Lil B song came out in 2009 but it’s still on the list-so message me if you know an alternative.

And because it seems appropriate:

Suck a dick, 2011!